The inner critic: Why self-criticism and negative thought patterns sabotage us
Our inner dialogue is fascinating and, at times, self-tormenting. We are so accustomed to being self-critical that it has become a widespread issue. We all have an inner voice that constantly chatters away and is quick to judge both ourselves and the world around us. It has two sidekicks: confirmation bias and ego (great duo, huh…). And they sabotage us.
Saboteurs
We all have different inner saboteurs that we wrestle with. But there is one we all share: the Judge. Like a jack-in-the-box, it suddenly appears and passes judgement on everything we do. Many psychological theories suggest that the inner critic develops early in life through our experiences, relationships, and attempts to navigate our surroundings safely. In many ways, that is a good thing. As children, we need to learn how to make sense of the world around us. The problem arises when that part of us fails to mature alongside the rest of us. We end up approaching adult situations with the fears, assumptions and perspective of a five-year-old. That serves neither us nor the people around us.
How do we silence the inner voice that keeps chattering away? How can we quiet our minds and stop feeling insecure? … We can’t. But what we can do is become aware and practice. Because the one who just makes noise and chatters endlessly should not disturb the one who knows.
NAME THE BEAST
It is about becoming aware of our patterns of thought and behaviour, and accepting that not every thought that appears in our mental chatter is useful – nor does it fully represent who we are. More often than not, these are automatic reactions rather than conscious choices. You may recognise this if you have ever tried meditating and attempted to think about nothing at all... Easier said than done. Thoughts start racing, and the mind quickly wanders off in every direction. But that does not mean it cannot be trained. When we become aware that our minds have drifted, we can gently bring our attention back. That moment of awareness is where the opportunity for change begins.
Every time we recognise an old pattern and choose to respond differently, we challenge the brain’s autopilot. Over time, these new pathways become stronger and more accessible. Instead of hurtling down the familiar four-lane motorway of habitual thoughts at 120 km/h, we can begin to take the side roads instead. Roads that may reveal a different reality from the one our inner saboteur has been presenting to us for years. This is how patterns of thought and behaviour can gradually change.
Is it easy? No! Can you do it? Absolutely!
ZEN MOMENT
You won’t get more time, so something else has to change.
When you return home to your family after work, excited to spend time with your kids, but find yourself flatlining cognitively and emotionally, checking out of the moment, and unable to be present, the Judge shows up again. But beating yourself up doesn’t help. You’re running on empty, and if you don’t put on your own oxygen mask first, you won’t be of much use to anyone.
But what can you do, and how do you silence the inner Judge and calm your mind? It takes hard work and prioritization, but it’s absolutely possible. We help many people find more balance and peace by identifying their inner saboteurs and learning to catch them before they cause too much damage. And it’s a joy to witness when people start taking themselves seriously and prioritize creating balance—for their own sake and for the benefit of those around them. Read more about calibration coaching -> here.
It starts with accepting the premise—you are good enough as you are. Thought patterns and behaviors can be changed and trained.